Eclipsed by Cancer

NOVEMBER 7, 2020

For nearly a decade I kept my metastatic breast cancer status eclipsed from all but my inner circle.  I was lucky, after the first year I was diagnosed and rolling different chemotherapies, I switched oncologists. And then I was lucky, my cancer responded to all targeted therapies. Which gave me very low to no side effects.

I had just gone through a terrible divorce. My ex who was an exemplary husband and father snapped in half. Doubt that I’ll ever really know what happened, and I no longer care to know what happened.

But from the moment it happened, and he walked out of not just my life but our home and walked away from his kids, I knew things would never be quite the same. We were all knocked far out of our orbit.

One of the last things he said to me when I caught him cheating and living a secret life, was that he could no longer do this dog and pony show.

It was shocking to me, we all looked up to him so much. I think for many years the vision he saw of himself was a vision reflected from the light and love of my eyes and the eyes of our kids.  But even the most powerful sun cannot keep away one’s own personal darkness. And ultimately his feelings of being a worthless piece of shit prevailed. And now I agree with him. Turns out he is a worthless piece of shit. I’d add traitor and liar And sex addict and embezzler to the list as well.  Yes, broken and damaged. His repetition compulsion got the best of him.

He threw our world out of orbit and in many ways, I entered a darkness like none I’ve ever known.  I know any repair he’s done, has made him into a completely different person than he was when we were a family.  

Between his desperate marriage to the lying sex addict whore and his complete lack of contributing financially to raising our kids, educating them, and there’s the fact that my son was so damaged that he also broke for a short time, and my daughter still has zero contact with him, I’d say my kids were hurt the most as is often typical in a divorce.

They don’t get to date a new daddy. They are stuck with the shards of that break up. And they weren’t even little kids. They were 14 and 16. But that is literally another story.

My story of living in that darkness continued into the first summer. I managed to send both of my kids to their normal summer camp program, sleep away camp for both different sleep away camps for both Which left me alone, in deafening darkness surrounded by a house of lies. I was hurting worse than I had ever hurt before and in a different and profound way. A man I thought was my family was not my family. He was not only not trustworthy he was dangerous.

The more I paced through my house of darkness, the more I felt thrown out of my orbit, overshadowed by grief and fear. But still surrounded by 1500 ft.² of tchotchkes. 

Sadly I couldn’t take looking at all of the collectibles that represented an 18 year marriage. Pacing around I started throwing and breaking stuff into my trash. It was the most satisfying feeling in the most satisfying noise combined. I mean I was so broken, our marriage was so broken that it seemed pointless to leave all of these tchotchkes intact. I never wanted to see them again. Who would want them? Him? I couldn’t imagine ever laying eyes on these items that were bought in a time of love, under false pretense, to mark different occasions. The sparkling glasses of birthdays. Beautiful hand-blown vases. A lot of cool art pieces. Things that a couple collects because they are building a life of memories together.

Well, despite his degree in architecture, the foundation he was laying was shaky at best. Passive-aggressive charade of a man who felt worthless at his core. After I finished breaking all the things that represented “us “. I felt a little better. By the following weekend I was back in darkness. And fear. Who would ever love me again. If a man I loved so much, and gave him such beautiful children, and a beautiful home, could treat me like gods garbage, could lie to my face, could tell me he was depressed and wanted to go to therapy and then when I went with him to therapy he just lied week after week wasting so much time and wasting so much money. Who would ever want me if my own husband didn’t want me?

I stopped eating and spent a few days mostly laying in my closet floor in total darkness. A total eclipse of light and love. On Sunday I decided I would shower and go to whole foods and put food in the house. And then I would figure out ways to end my pain. My kids would still be away another week so I had some time.

 At Whole Foods a very handsome man came up to me and asked if I remembered him. He used my maiden name from my school days. I did not recognize him but when he said his name I did remember him from junior high school. He immediately blurted out that he had the biggest crush on me. 

Here we were standing face-to-face at whole foods and I had no makeup on and I looked like shit. And he was telling me that he was going through a divorce and I said to him so am I. Then he asked if I’d like to get together and I said yes I would.  I could see his jet-black eyes were filled with sparkling stars, and the dancing sparkles in his eyes were starting to reflect some light towards me.

So, when I got home I decided I wouldn’t kill myself. I would maybe go to dinner with this handsome man with eye sparkles. Plus, I really wanted another chance for him to see me with some makeup on my hair done and a decent outfit. My vanity prevailed.

I dated this man for six years, I credit him for saving my life. For reminding me what being a woman is about. For reminding me that sexuality has nothing to do with body parts. And for teaching me that short guys can have some of the most beautiful bodies on the face of the earth. He cheered me on when I was first diagnosed stage 4 terminal cancer, back in 2007.

The timing between us wasn’t great, my kids were going off to college, but his kids were just in grammar school. He was star soccer dad, I already put in my hours on the soccer field.

The beautiful energy between us started to change towards resentment. To be honest, the biggest problem was that he was a financially unstable. It didn’t leave us anywhere to go in a serious way. I could not afford to support another partner financially. He was trapped in his divorce settlement and in his own insurmountable feelings of guilt. He really had nowhere to go with his emotions and our relationship started to disintegrate.

We split up and soon after I met another man who took my breath away.  Here was a second man who didn’t care about my cut and pasted body whatsoever. When I say he didn’t care, I was beautiful to him. So, it reinforced sexuality again for me. And allowed me to be fully seen in the light. With self-confidence. I did however continue to underplay having metastatic breast cancer. It had been under control, I went in every three weeks for an infusion, into cancer-land, and then walked out again and pushed it out of my mind.

This compartmentalization of having breast cancer really allowed me to be the best and brightest me I could be. The second relationship didn’t last very long, but I have no regrets. It was a thrilling three year of love and laughter. Fun times of travel and having incredible experiences like watching the Mars rover launch and going to Obama‘s second inauguration party and living a very exciting life.

I wasn’t wise in choosing him, I literally fell head over heels. But at 58, he had been engaged and then dis-engaged from at least four serious commitments to women in his life.  He was a public figure who was loved by almost all, but never able to find “the one” to love enough to commit. By his own admission he came the closest with me - by then it didn’t really matter.  He was too terrified and too unstable.  Our relationship ended abruptly and for me it triggered tremendous grief and the pain of un-loving someone.

I concentrated on me for a change. Got my certification in social emotional arts. Learned how it felt to be a single woman with no kids living at home and now undergoing metastatic breast cancer treatment on my own. Or sometimes with friends. Or most often my beautiful daughter. I learned how to dance, I became part of the dance community and it saved me. That was in 2013. I walked my daughter down the aisle, just she and I alone. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I saw so many milestones I never ever expected to live to see.

I begin my own exploration into art expression, into some writing, and still heavily into social dancing.

In 2017 I invited 75 of my best friends and family to my home. To celebrate my 60th birthday, and to celebrate a decade living with metastatic breast cancer. On treatment every three weeks. It was like a coming out party, so many people had no idea. It was also a night for me to show my art and to sell it, and I donated proceeds to benefit metaViver.org

I was no longer living in the shadow, instead I was finally living out in the full sun. Proudly.

Surrounded by the people I love the most, my family and my friends. And I was loving them the best way I know how; by bringing them all together, and by sharing food, drinks, art and life!