Pinktober

OCTOBER 2020

PINKTOBER

It really got me this year
Felt like a gut punch
Here we go—

Inundated
Breast Cancer
**awareness**

Pink News
Pink Ads
Pink Washing

Companies making PINK money
Using OUR Ribbons but not funding
OUR research
for a CURE

WE are expected to fund our own cure
with runs and rallies
while Pharma spends OUR money
on finding more treatments
Because Treatment
Equals profit

Clinical Trials
practically impossible to gain access
Especially if you have
Real Breast Cancer
Metastatic
The kind that sticks around
Until it kills you

Clinical Trial Criteria:
Carried over from one FDA approved trial to another

Never a reflection of the actual people
living with the actual cancer

Clinical trials
Should be called
Clinical Trials and Tribulations

Hoop-jumps through fire
Schedules that work for them, not you
Randomized and double-blind
No one can see straight

How I miss the Mundane World
And my life before those three shitty words:
You Have Cancer

1996 - Before Cancer
I was just a mom of two little kids; a beautiful son and daughter and I had a kind and decent husband. And a fabulous career. I was not carefree; I was stressed trying to juggle and manage it all. Kids, work, husband, social life, pre-school, private school, synagogue life, volunteering, PTA, play dates, baby sitters, plan some travel, plan some dates, buy everyone’s clothes, buy birthday gifts, stay in touch with family, send out holiday cards, cook dinner and manage the house. Collaborate with my then-spouse on some design projects and don’t forget to engage my own clients. SUPERGIRL! Federal Express allowed my career to flourish.  It was so very long ago, right after fax machines were invented. 

By accident, I chose the hardest road; work part-time and mom full-time. My design career was the busiest it had ever been.  And if I could bill it, I would do it. My end game was to remain a self-employed design and marketing consultant.  I loved my work and I loved my family.

I ate healthy, I exercised, I got fresh air. At age 38, the last thing I expected was Breast Cancer. 85% of cancers have no family history. I have no family history. But I did have an aggressive little fucking breast cancer drop into my life like a nuclear bomb.

The ripple effect
Went straight through me
Hit my family
Hit my friends
The mushroom cloud still darkens my days

My life would’ve been so much easier
if I’d only known that I would survive for 24 years!
But that’s not how cancer works.

You get three months at a time.
Scan to Scan
Check up to Check up

I’ve learned to live in
“This is the Day I Am Given”
Often scared when making plans
Always wondering,
Will I be here to see milestones?

And here we go-Pinktober once again.
Raising our own funds
Moving the needle through
Unpaid Advocacy Work

Hash-tagging each other to death
Watching our friends die
And wondering if we’ll be next

A vaccine nearly ready for COVID
But for Breast Cancer
Still NO CURE!