Slow Motion Moments
JULY 20, 2020
It took me over six months of weekly therapy, to work on my hysteria at the thought of walking my daughter down the aisle. I was so overcome with emotion, never expecting to get to see that moment. The last thing I wanted was to sob the whole time.
During my toast to my beautiful daughter and handsome son-in-law, I relayed a story about having some slow-motion moments. Moments when time slowed way down. In that freeze frame, I was flooded with feelings of deep love and gratitude.
One of those times, was shopping for wedding dresses with my daughter. I sat where the waiting mothers sat, waiting for her to ‘round the corner in one of several gowns she was trying on. As she came walking out in one dress in particular, I knew it was THE dress. A slow-motion moment, my emotions choked me as I looked at my daughter as a beautiful bride.
Looking absolutely gorgeous; the expression on her face said it all. Her eyes reflected all the magic of a little girl wearing a fairy princess dress, and at the same time her face as a grown young woman admiring her own beauty in this gown. I could see the child within her absolutely sparkling. And I could see her the young woman with the glow of a bride. I took a deep breath as I was flooded with feelings of love and gratitude.
She asked me what I thought, and I asked her back the same question, what do you think? She said she loved it but it was expensive. I said I loved it too and I had an empty credit card just waiting to hold that dress.
The first time I had this slow-motion experience with my daughter, was when she was born. She was a very tiny baby, and her birth was easy. As they put her in my arms, everything and everyone ceased to exist except for me and her. Time stopped and was silent. Flooded with love and emotion, I knew in that one moment I’d give up my life for her in a blink, no questions asked. As they cut the cord I realized cord or not, we would always be connected. Basking in that slow-motion moment, motherhood spilling from my eyes.
Sometimes my slow-motion moments, are as simple as the joy I feel while watching the dogs play. There are more videos than photos of my dogs. I can recall visiting my son in law’s family in Temecula. They have a home on a stunning five acre spread. Everyone brought their dogs that day, and at some point, I was playing with all the dogs. Time stopped for a moment and I said out loud “I love dogs”. And then I laughed at myself and how grateful I felt to be playing with this pooch pack.
Once in a while, while I’m having a great dance, I will also have a slow-motion moment. Feeling the dance, feeling my partner, and not thinking. After the song ends, I leave the dance floor close to tears. Grateful for the dim lighting as well as the slow-motion moment. Grateful that I learned to dance, and grateful that I have this community, comradery and ability in life.
Sometimes I look around at my house, and I can see all of its charm, all of its beauty, I see the home I’ve created and I feel that familiar stopping of the clock. A slow-motion moment, filled with love for my home. And appreciation. Truthfully, that is the rarest of my slow-motion moments since my home is a never ending to do list, and more often than not, I feel the burden of living there alone.
I’ve spent the better part of a year, adjusting and anticipating my impending death. Dealing with a very harsh chemotherapy, which is working and now it looks like my death is less impending. I have had zero slow motion-moments this year. Adding in the pandemic, only served to accelerate my anxiety.
My goal now is to get back to living in a way that I can find myself again. I’m finding ways to connect with friends and some family, using social but not emotional distancing. I’ve taken some time off from chemotherapy and it’s allowed me clarity. Along with days of feeling well. I’m using this time to get back to me.
Slow motion moments; I’m waiting.