small sufferings January 2023

small sufferings

sand inside your shoe

glass shards

a splinter in your finger

no food or drink after midnight

waiting for test results to show up on your chart

when you know damn well they are available.

being told to change into a gown

“I’ve been told don’t ever change”

and no one laughs

because there is no comedy

drinking barium in the X-ray room

small sufferings,

the list is endless.

calls not returned,

impossible appointment times

and the waiting!

so much waiting

small sufferings,

time, my precious commodity

I’m constantly giving it away.

spending it in ways I don’t want to.

small sufferings

is living with a disease that is a sneaky time robber.

metastatic breast cancer - terminal

the ticking of my life clock drowns out every other sound.

except maybe my staccato heart

small sufferings,

my anger on the inside,

leaking out my pores,

a resident of my face

dimming my smile.

small sufferings, not feeling well enough to go dance, to go out, to live “my life”

as if there is a choice of whose life we get to live

small sufferings

a small tumor presses into my small esophagus

FUCK!

food won’t swallow

poor poor purée me

crisscross Applesauce

all pills emptied into sauce

or crushed

like my soul

small sufferings

(not so small this week)

i am hungry

ensure? have I tried it?

i may kill the next to ask.

HAVE YOU TRIED IT?

I want to scream.

instead I answer politely.

small sufferings

no one knows what to do

no one knows what to say

least of all me.

©FPH January 2023
Waiting for Trodelvy