LARRY DAVID

LARRY DAVID
January 5, 2021

I walked till I wasn’t angry. It took me close to 3000 steps. Mini was with me the whole time. My hot breath stuck in my hot mask. My whirling brain stuck in an angry loop of relentless mind chatter. 

Why didn’t I bring a power bar? Why didn’t I bring water? Why didn’t I bring gum? All that chatter from the Inner Critic. 

Then 3 words from my Inner Wisdom: KEEP WALKING FLORI. 

Inner Wisdom. 
Being wise is not the same as being Smart. And being a smart-ass is certainly not the same as being wise or smart.

And so, I WALK.  Weaving up and down the streets little Mini trotting at my side. I have so much anger it’s going to take a lot of steps to walk it out. Of all the horrible things this past year, the thing I’m the angriest about is the isolation. I hate it. My Mini dog needs about 13 steps for my every one step, her little head held high above her short little legs and that mini tail curved up like a furry flag. 

I love her but today, everything about her is annoying me. The amount of poop that can come out of one Chihuahua! The number of times she dilly-dallies and stops to smell a blade of grass or worse, and I have to remind her, MINI! we’re getting our cardio, let’s go! Walking in the neighborhood, the workers without masks infuriate me. All the people talking loudly on their cell phones, including myself, insufferable!

Walking and muttering to myself like an old curmudgeon, I’m a real-life Larry David. 
My Inner Wisdom pipes up again. Three words.  
KEEP WALKING FLORI

Riiiiight. 

I’m walking and all the while, my Instacart shopper keeps texting. She’s like a used car salesman. We don’t have the advertised model but we do have this lovely replacement model on special. She’s relentless in her support of things I didn’t order.

“Hi Flori, they are out of So Delicious yogurt, but they have a new one same harmless harvest coconut alternative vanilla flavored...I replaced it with it, and if you would like to try it let me know. It's an amazing one!” 

Huh? Is she tasting food while shopping for me? I’m annoyed and disgusted. 

Text after text. Instacart is giving me a heart attack. Click here if you approve avocados instead of asparagus. May we substitute everything in your fucking cart to suit ourselves? Would you like to chat with your shopper?  I am nearly in tears from this NON-STOP interruption of my Angry Walk.  NO. NO. NO Substitutions!  And thank you for your help today, Nicolette.  My shopper has the name of a 20-year-old vixen. This is clearly not her wheelhouse. 

I keep walking.  And my head chatter continues….
I’m worrying that my step counter isn’t counting all my steps. I want retroactive credit for every single step of my whole fucking life. 

I want double credit for taking the steps to get treatment yesterday. And I want extra credit for going, for staying and for getting home safely. All by myself. Like a big girl. 

Now that I’m thinking about it, I want triple credit for every step I’ve taken for the past 24 years to “beat breast cancer” an unbeatable opponent.  And I want credit plus $13,500 in Nordstrom Notes for the 13.5 years I’ve been on treatment for Metastatic Breast Cancer.  The Unbeatable Beast.  

I am breathing so loudly now, I fear I might burst into tears.  Would Larry David cry?  I don’t think so.  My inner chitter-chatter is off the chitter-chatter-chart.  

I’m trying to walk my anger out. But I have way more anger than I have energy. I may have to take it to the garden or take it to my canvas. I’ve definitely got to take it somewhere. 

Again, I call on my Inner Wisdom.  I’m nearly screaming inside my head. Walking, panting, thinking, begging, breathing and crying.  WELL FUCK YOU LARRY DAVID!

And as if those were the magic words, Wisdom finally descends and I fully understand the Chaos of Life. Message: It’s just not personal. Life is random. Some people have all the luck. And most of us have a mix of luck and un-luck.

The wisdom I bring from 24 years of breast cancer survival is pretty simple. Be Present. Control what you can and let go of the rest. Forgive yourself often; every day if need be. Do not waste time and do not allow others to waste your precious time. Seek your passion and engage with it fully. Process over Product. 

And the whole point of life is love. Love yourself, your family, your friends, your home, your animals. Love what you see, love what you hear, what you eat and love what you do.

Above all, be kind and love one another.